Remember those days when Valentine’s Day meant roses and chocolates. Now I love you is signified by changing that poopy diaper, wiping snot and getting up in the middle of the night.
Welcome to Valentine’s Day post-baby.
Becoming a parent marks a significant and complicated shift in relationships between couples. Studies indicate a decline in overall relationship satisfaction among new parents compared to non-parents in the first few years thanks to a shift in priorities, sleep deprivation, and increased stress.
Becoming a parent also means a shift in one’s identity that often leads to adjustments in roles and expectations. For example, one study found that renegotiating roles and responsibilities post-childbirth was a substantial source of conflict for couples. Another study found that disagreements over finances and each partner’s role in the relationship (ie. primary breadwinner) were significant predictors of relationship decline post-baby.
Especially during the early years, couples report fewer opportunities for “us” time where the relationship is at the center rather than the baby. This lack of “quality” time together has been found in many research studies to lead to feelings of disconnection and neglect.
But is having a baby a story of doom and gloom for the relationship? No, it’s a story of development and greater understanding. Extensive research demonstrates that having a child actually brings couples closer together through the shared experiences and joys of parenting, which creates a new dimension to the relationship. Having a child also supports more effective communication and teamwork, which are crucial for navigating parenthood. Overcoming difficulties in parenting can also strengthen the bond between partners and support each parent's growth and growth as a couple.
So how can the transition to parenthood be more an experience of growing together than growing apart? Be aware that challenges are a part of the experience of parenthood and not indications of a failing relationship. Maximize your communication skills, be honest about your feelings, and listen to your partner. Take advice from one of our favorite authors, Eve Rodsky, author of Fair Play, and figure out a fair and sustainable division of childcare and household tasks to avoid resentment and fatigue. And plan those times together when you don’t talk about the baby - news, jobs, sports, etc. If planning date night is hard with babysitting consider other times like a daytime walk.
For more on how to manage the daily grind of parenting and relationships, check out our assembly with Cooper Chief of Education Dr. Erin O’Connor and Eve Rodsky, here.