Time and timing: One of the greatest challenges adult children face in their dealings with the elderly is to slow down and find the time to be fully present. It’s a mistake to discuss important issues on the fly, when you’re rushed and preoccupied. If you need to talk about something crucial with your elderly parent, make a conscious effort to put your personal agenda aside — along with your cell phone. And remember, such issues will take time to resolve — and probably require more than one discussion.
Listening: Be sure to pay attention to your parents' ideas and to fears they may be expressing indirectly. Even if you’ve already made up your mind that your parent should go into an assisted living facility, you should really listen to what they are saying and be open to other options. If it’s too soon after a spouse's death, could the move be put off for a few months? Could you hire someone to come in and help for a few hours each day, or could adjustments in the house help make it safer and more accessible?
Being respectful: When you tell your parennt what you think he should do, do so respectfully. Try to avoid a bossy or dismissive tone. If your parent becomes angry, drop the subject and return to it another day. If they continue to disagree with you, don’t force the issue. As long as your parent is a fully functioning adult, you can’t force them to follow your advice — no matter how “right” you think it is.
Participating in your parents' legacy project: You can help your parents create their legacy by asking questions and affirming the values they express. You can help them record memories by creating a photo album or by interviewing them for an oral history. Your interest and involvement will not only make the process more meaningful, it will make this life transition less lonely and frightening.
Trying to see things from your parents' perspectives will help the conversation go more smoothly. If things get tough, you may want to have a Geriatric Care Manager participate in the discussions as a neutral, expert third party.