Theory of mind (TOM): the recognition that others may not have the same beliefs, understanding, emotions, and wishes as you.
“Children must be taught how to think, not what to think.” - Margaret Mead
Key Concepts:
- Developing TOM means becoming less egocentric and more aware of other’s perspectives (and how they differ from their own). Your four-year-old’s TOM is developing majorly right now.
- A strong sense of TOM is essential for your child’s ability to understand themselves and others, including self-awareness and introspection.
- Your child’s been busy developing their TOM (since infancy) by paying attention to people, copying them (tongues out!), recognizing/labeling others’ emotions (“Daddy is sad”), understanding cause and effect (“If I throw my food on the ground, Mommy will be mad”), and pretending (when your child acts as a doctor).
What to Try:
- Talk about similarities and differences in preferences. "I love mint chocolate chip ice cream, but you're not a big fan, right? What's your favorite? We both LOVE ice cream, but we have different favorite flavors. I wonder what Mommy's favorite is. Want to ask her?"
- Use “tuning-in language” to put you and your child’s perspectives into words. You can do this by imagining what your child is wanting, thinking, or feeling. “Oh, you’re feeling sad because you scraped your knee? I’m here for you.”
- Role play with your child when you pretend play. Stay in character and avoid (when possible) being a real-life parent when your assigned role is Princess Doctor.
- Lean on children’s literature to talk about characters’ thoughts and feelings. Then, connect these to your child’s own experience (this is important!). “The little boy looks sad because the dog ate his sandwich. Ugh. Do you remember how you felt when your dog ate your sandwich?”