For many of us, summer is a time of independence, exploration and adventure. New challenges become well worn skills, stresses and worries melt with the heat, and long abandoned calendars suggest that time has finally stopped.
In this space of new opportunity, growth is truly possible - not only for our children, but for parents as well. And while most of us recognize the change that occurs in summer, few of us figure out how to preserve these changes once we are back in our routines.
Maybe your child tried sleepaway camp for the first time, learned to ride a bike, or spent the summer buying themselves popsicles at the local pool. Whatever independence they’ve gained, the skills they’ve harnessed, and the tools they’ve used - it’s our job as parents to support those throughout the year. But independence requires one party to take the leap - and the other to loosen the leash.
In today’s world, being an overinvolved parent is sometimes equated with being a good one. We mistake doing everything for our children as being supportive, instead of recognizing when it may be stifling. We think that making their lives easier is helping - when it is actually shown in the research to be depriving them of important opportunities to struggle. Without some amount of adversity, humans cannot learn to persist, cannot learn to survive, cannot learn to adapt. Some struggle is not only important, but necessary, for development.
So, if our children have proven that they can do things for themselves, or try new things on their own, why does it sometimes feel so hard to support them? One reason is because of the efficiency of our routines. As busy parents, it is easy to restrict autonomy in order to do things better, faster and on our own schedules. Why wait for your child to clean their room when you have exactly 15 minutes free right now? Why ask your toddler to carry their backpack if they just complain that it is heavy? Why have your elementary school student pack their own lunch if they don’t make the same choices you would? The answer is simple: because if you keep doing it, your child won’t learn how to. Not only how to do the task, but also how to exercise the good judgment, choices and decisions necessary to handle tasks in the future.
We often wonder why our children behave better for others than for us - or why they work harder to do things for others than they do at home - but the answer usually lies in our behavior. If we indulge our children and do for them what they can do for themselves, or we infantilize them by doing things for them that they have proven they can do on their own, we rob them of their most important job…learning how to be a grownup.
3 ways to support any newfound autonomy right now:
- Think of any new skills your child learned this summer (this works at any age). Make a list of what they have proven they can do, and what they are practicing doing on their own.
- Make a commitment to allowing your child to continue to do those tasks independently at home. Talk to them about how you recognize their new skills and want to support them. Project confidence in your child’s abilities and praise them for their efforts.
- Prepare to tolerate your child’s discomfort while they adjust to new expectations and responsibilities. It’s easier for you to do things for them, and it is uncomfortable getting used to having to do more on their own. Have faith that by supporting your children through difficult moments, you are building the lifelong skills your child needs for the future.