Caring for kids and aging parents? Manage invisible labor, set boundaries, and prioritize joy to protect your mental health this holiday season.
Surviving the Sandwich Generation: Managing Holiday Stress and Invisible Labor
Caring for young children while also supporting aging parents puts you squarely in the “Sandwich Generation.” It’s a uniquely challenging place to be, and the invisible mental load that comes with it can take a toll on your mental health. Research shows that parental anxiety, depression, social isolation, chronic fatigue, and burnout are at an all-time high, with parental loneliness surging like never before.
Holidays can amplify these challenges, triggering old patterns of behavior and leaving you stretched even thinner. But with awareness, boundaries, and intentional choices, you can reclaim joy and protect your mental health.
The Weight of Invisible Labor
In the 1980s, anthropologists identified “invisible labor,” the unacknowledged work often carried out by caregivers. This includes tasks like:
- Planning and preparing meals
- Buying, wrapping, and sending gifts
- Feeling guilt over cutting time-consuming traditions
- Negotiating family conflicts
- Planning calls and visits
- Sending holiday cards
These tasks may seem small, but together, they create an overwhelming mental load that’s exhausting and emotionally draining.
Setting Boundaries
Holidays often trigger old reactions and behaviors, making it easy to revert to childhood roles and patterns. Setting boundaries can help you manage this dynamic while prioritizing your well-being.
Here’s how to reframe common holiday requests:
-
Instead of: “Sure, I’ll wrap those presents you sent the kids.”
Try: “You can send them unwrapped, but this year, I’m not going to be wrapping any unwrapped presents.” -
Instead of: “I didn’t get your holiday card in the mail!”
Try: “We dropped that tradition. It’s giving us the space to enjoy the holidays more.” -
Instead of: “Come hug your auntie!”
Try: [To your child] “How do you want to greet Aunt Rose? You can give her a hug or wave from there.” -
Instead of: “Can't you just skip his nap?”
Try: “We know what works for us.” -
Instead of: “Why don’t we make gingerbread houses? My friends do.”
Try: “You’re right, some families make gingerbread houses. That’s not one of our traditions.”
Tips for Protecting Your Energy
- Assess traditions: Let go of rituals that no longer work for you. Focus on those that bring joy and connection.
- Set boundaries: Decide where to be flexible and where to hold firm.
- Use a schedule: Managing expectations can reduce stress for everyone.
- Accept help: Whether it’s a meal, child care, or an errand, take what’s offered.
Managing Children’s Behavior
The holidays can also be tough on kids. Communicate openly with them and consider their temperament. Try these approaches:
- Set expectations: “I know Grandma’s house can feel strange sometimes, but we’re going to try and make it cozy.”
- Acknowledge differences: “Your cousins may have different rules about screens. Let’s find something that works for everyone.”
- Adapt plans: “We’ll skip the museum since the kids aren’t into it, but we’ll meet for lunch afterward.”
- Hold firm: Whatever limits you set, stand by them to create a sense of consistency and security for your family.
Find Joy in the Moment
Amid the hustle, remember what matters most: connection. Try these strategies to center joy:
- Build community and lean on others.
- Focus on experiences you love, not picture-perfect Instagram posts.
- Practice forgiveness—for yourself and others.
- Prioritize the present moment.
The holidays don’t have to feel overwhelming. By setting boundaries and managing expectations, you can protect your mental health while creating meaningful, joyful connections with those you care about most.