Key Concepts:
- In elementary school, as children work to differentiate themselves from their parents, discover who they are in relationship to their peers, and create an emerging sense of self -back talk may be at its peak.
- Back talk and rudeness has many sources. These include hunger, fatigue, attempts toexert control, challenge boundaries/rules in the home, and to avoid responsibility oraccountability for their actions. It’s also one way that children “try-on” being an adult (or teenager) and begin to work to feel “equal” to you as the adults in the home.
- Back talk and rudeness is connected to the process of separation and individuation, theneed to discover who you are separate from those who have defined you thus far.
- Separation is a normal part of the transition to adolescence characterized by a childtaking new risks, trying out new personas or characteristics, and displaying some types ofaggression towards their parents.
- The intensity of this phase and behavior, like all aspects of development, also depends on factors like temperament, quality of relationships, and YOUR BEHAVIOR in response to back talk.
What to Try:
Take a breath.
If you respond, especially with a power stance like, “We’ll see about that,” or “Wanna bet?”you are unlikely to do much good. Get yourself regulated (maybe you need a mantra, like “it’s their job to push my buttons, but my job to stay calm”) and take a necessary pause before responding.
Ask for the language you’d like them to use.
Setting the boundary for how you want to be communicated to and with is a perfectly reasonable expectation for your child. You can say something like, “I can’t help you orrespond when you speak that way. Find another way to tell me how you feel or what you need and I am happy to help.” Your child already knows how to respond, and giving them a chance for a redo is an important first step in calling their attention to the tone of voice and attitude they are using.
Offer support for the underlying emotions.
As with most behaviors, the rudeness or back talk is generally a sign of something else going on with your child. Focus on the root cause and not the behavior itself when you can. For example, “I know you’ve had a long day and you’re tired, and I can hear that you’re upset.” This way you communicate that you understand how your child is feeling, and can join them in their experience. This is NOT condoning rude talk, but instead helping to connect with them on an emotional level in order to help them to get regulated and use their other tools for communication.
Ignore it when you can.
A few eye rolls isn’t worth getting into a battle over. If you can, ignoring some of the rudebehavior or back talk, in the service of a larger goal, is OK. If you know your child is goingfor a big reaction, try NOT to give them one. Instead. Take a breath and don’t respond.They will move on when the behavior doesn’t get you going as expected.
Don’t reward it by giving in.
This means that you cannot allow the back talk to defeat you, or cause you to cave on arule or boundary you have set. Instead, stay strong with whatever rule it is, and offeremotional support. For example, “I understand you’re unhappy with the rule, and Iunderstand. It’s OK to be mad at me.” Allow your child to express themselves - even rudely -while you show them that you can tolerate their distress and still be connected and present.
Model respect for each other and as a core family value.
Treating each other with respect looks different in different families. Make sure you are explicit about the way we treat others - with kindness in our words and actions, calmly and with control, in a way that helps and does not hurt, in a manner that builds us up instead of cuts us down - and that these family values are well documented and talked of frequently.Make a list of values, create a mission statement, or talk about these issues whenever and wherever possible.
Find opportunities for your child to feel independent and capable.
Make sure your child is doing for themselves what they can do, is working to do what theycan almost do, and is preparing for what they cannot yet do. By finding ways for your childto feel powerful and confident without you, you can help feed the natural separation andindividuation process.
Take an inventory of the influences in your child’s life.
Sometimes back talk can be your child “copying” favorite characters on TV, or new friends intheir class. Help them realize this connection by saying something like, “I know you may hearothers talking like that, but it isn’t what we do in our family. If you talk like that with yourfriends or on a TV show, let’s leave it there when you’re home, with your family, or withteachers and other adults.” You may also want to help your child to make better contentchoices if and when you can, and to comment on specific friends who may be significantoffenders. This could look something like, “I’ve noticed that Johnny speaks very harshly tohis mom. That is hard for me to hear, and I know it’s not the way you speak with me. Whatdo you think about it?” Let your child make their own opinion and connection between theirbehavior and that of others.
Offer praise when you get the communication and behavior you want more of.
This may mean acknowledging your child’s demands when made with respect. For example,“I really appreciate how calmly you told me about what you want. I don’t know if I can sayyes to all of it, but I really appreciate and am grateful for the way you’re talking to me andwe can work it out together.” Reward what you want more of with your attention, your consideration, and your mutual respect.
Honor your child when you can.
Resist the urge to practice intrusive parenting, to deprive your child of the space andprivacy they need and want. Take cues from them about what they want and need, and doyour best to show respect to your child when you can.