Protecting Your Marriage While Caregiving For Others

No matter how devoted you are to the person for whom you're caring, it is important to be able to balance that commitment with other family responsibilities.

That is especially true for your relationship with your partner. The quality of many marriages has been harmed when one spouse focused too much for an extended period of time on an aging parent's needs and the other spouse felt put on the shelf. This is even more true when the aging parent lives with the couple. The challenge for the caregiver in these instances is to divvy up his or her time to try to give everyone attention without feeling guilty that she's neglecting anyone. It is also difficult to effectively protect time with your spouse when the aging parent may have pressing needs that can't wait for attention. The caregiver can then feel pulled in too many directions nearly all the time.

Here are some ideas for balancing marital and caregiving duties:

• Try the best you can to honor your parent or loved one, but continually nurture your marriage. Research shows that keeping marriages healthy requires daily positive exchanges between spouses. Even if you can't spend a lot of time with your partner, make sure that you greet him warmly, express appreciation, and inquire about his day. Even small gestures can foster a feeling of togetherness through trying times.
• Designate weekly relationship time that will be free of caregiving duties. Have a stroll or a cup of coffee together. Take in a movie. Try not to talk only about caregiving but instead converse about other parts of your lives. During those time periods, arrange for other family members or home health aides to spend time with your aging parent—even if that parent objects because she wants you there instead. Trust that, by regularly making time for yourself and your relationship, you will be a better, re-energized caregiver.
• Just like you, your spouse is likely making sacrifices on behalf of your parent. Check in with him from time to time about how he is feeling about that. Be alert for his signs of distress and, possibly, resentment. Show a willingness to negotiate with him about how best to alter the caregiving arrangements to ease his stress while still providing good enough care to your parent.
• Don't be too hard on yourself. It is very difficult to juggle multiple and different family responsibilities. The phrase “spreading yourself too thin” means exactly that—feeling as if you are doing more than you can comfortably handle. Don't let excessive guilt make your caregiving situation even more challenging. Give yourself credit for doing the best that you can to do your utmost for all family members.

Barry J. Jacobs, Psy.D. is a clinical psychologist, family therapist and a Principal for Health Management Associates. He is the author of two self-books on family caregiving and a monthly column on family caregiving for AARP.org