Positive Discipline for ADHD: Teaching, Not Punishing

Learn effective strategies for managing ADHD-related behaviors using positive discipline. Focus on limits, praise, and teaching kids to understand acceptable behavior.

Key Concepts:

• Many parents struggle when it comes to managing difficult behavior and deciding how to discipline their kids. But for families of kids with ADHD, it can be even harder to know what to do.
• Having ADHD doesn’t excuse bad behavior, but it can explain why it happens. We know EF deficits make it harder for our kids to listen, follow rules, and think before they act.
• The undesirable behaviors we see are often not happening by choice.
• ​​ADHD affects the brain’s ability to “hit the brakes” and think through consequences before doing something. So kids may do or say something before they’ve had a chance to consider their options. This also explains why we might see difficult behaviors persist no matter how many times a child faces consequences.
• Punishing a child with ADHD for difficult behaviors is ineffective and counterproductive. Punishment only results in them feeling guilty and ashamed, which can turn into frustration, defiance, and emotional outbursts.
• The true meaning of the word “discipline” is to teach, not to punish. Teaching helps to shape behavior positively so that difficult behaviors are less of an issue.
• The first thing our children need from us to understand acceptable behavior are limits and boundaries. An authoritative approach to parenting - with a balance of limits and sensitivity - is linked to the most successful outcomes in child development.

What to Try:

• Positive discipline is when you teach children how to correct behaviors using reinforcers, rewards, and praise.
• Positive discipline emphasizes being able to tell kids what is expected in a manner that will allow them to do the behavior the next time, and then catching them when they do that behavior and giving them credit for doing that behavior.
• An example of this would be using PREP to address a specific behavior:
  • Peaceful moment: Choosing to address problem behaviors when your child is calm and tensions aren’t running high.
  • Request good behavior: Ask your child open-ended questions to guide them to better behavior choice. For example - Do we interrupt people when they are speaking? Do we grab things from other people? Are those kind words?
  • Explanation from your child: As your child answers your guiding questions, it will make connections in their brain, which allows them to better understand the situation.
  • Praise: Whenever possible notice your child’s efforts toward better behavior and do your best to ignore problem behaviors (so long as they are not dangerous). Your approval and enthusiasm can be a great motivator to your child.
  • Another acronym we can use is REMAP. This is less about a specific behavior, and more about what is important to keep in mind when thinking about your child and their behavior.
  • Regard your child with an unconditional, positive assumption that they want to do well.
  • Externalize misbehaviors. Remember that the behavior is not their fault – it is caused by a brain difference.
  • Mistake Acceptance. Learn to view misbehaviors as mistakes. We want our  homes to be a safe place to make mistakes.
  • Praise often. Children with ADHD hear lots of criticism every day. We may not have paid  attention before to how much effort it takes to fit into a neurotypical world – because it’s behavior we expect and typically do not reward. Praising your child often, even for the little things, will go a long way.  

Because at the end of the day - the most important thing is for our children to know they are loved, safe, and accepted just as they are.