Why is it so hard to watch our kids struggle? Overparenting shields them from adversity but robs them of resilience. Here's how to balance support and autonomy.
Why is it so hard to see our children struggle?
For so many of us, watching our children work through challenging situations and emotions is downright painful. To the core. As a result, many of us try to become human bubble wrap, running interference for our children on a daily basis, and being guilty of overparenting.
Overparenting is characterized by excessive involvement in a child’s life, intrusive behavior in their day-to-day tasks, and micromanagement of their needs. It is usually rooted in a desire to shield children from hardship or to help them succeed.
In research studies, overparenting is linked to both child and parent anxiety, as well as low self efficacy - a child's belief that they can take on a challenge and succeed. Research has also tied overparenting to depression, anxiety, and lower autonomy from preschool through college. College students whose parents “overparent” tend to have higher levels of narcissism, anxiety, and ineffective coping skills.
Why?
If children don’t experience adversity in a safe and loving environment (like the one set up by a sensitive and attuned caregiver), they can’t learn to cope or manage adversity when it inevitably occurs. Children need to practice problem solving skills by actually experiencing problems. They may need guidance and supervision at any age, but they fundamentally need to learn the skills to do it for themselves.
If your parent calls the teacher when you failed to prepare for a test, or confronts another parent to complain about a mean kid on the playground, when is it your turn to learn how to do this for yourself? And if you’re wrapped in bubble wrap and never even know that hard things happen, what will you think when they do? If you aren’t allowed to experience disappointment, anger, sadness, frustration, as a child, what will happen when you eventually do?
Childhood is the place in which to learn, fail, practice and recover. It’s the messy stuff buffered by a loving, dependable, sensitive caregiver. If you have that relationship, there is the possibility to grow, learn and develop many of the skills needed to have the resilience we all are after. To withstand the change instead of resist it. To grow from challenges instead of running from them. To learn from mistakes instead of avoiding them.
Research tells us that the best gift we can give our children is the secure relationship and supportive environment in which to develop. Not the “happiest” or “most perfect” or “idyllic” childhood. But a place where they are connected, loved and guided with a healthy balance of autonomy-support and security. Where there are scraped knees, mean kids on the playground, teachers who don’t like them, advantages they don’t have, responsibilities they need to take on - and a caring adult to process it all with them and help them to stay regulated.