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      Let's Talk The Birds and The Bees

      “Young people are going to learn about sex and our question has to be where do we want them to learn? From the media? From their friends? Or do we want them to learn from an educated, responsible adult?” - Tamara Kreinin

      Key Concepts:

      ● Most likely, no one ever talked to YOU about it and that hasn’t changed much today. In a study from 2019, 63% of teen boys and 44% of teen girls reported their parents had never talked to them about sex. This is something everyone is avoiding to the detriment of our kids.
      • Research tells us that the earlier we talk about sex, the more likely our children are to delay having it.
      • Research shows that mentioning a topic early in your discussions with your children makes it less of a taboo topic as they age. By being willing to say the word, you are signaling that you can handle the topic, too, and make it possible for your child to come to you in future.
      • It’s important to note that this is NOT a one and done conversation. This is the beginning of an ongoing conversation for many years to come. You do not need to accomplish everything all at once, AND you do not need to worry about getting it “right.” The main goal is to start introducing these topics so they are not taboo.
      • Concepts to review at this age include the correct name for private parts, the importance of consent, good and bad touch, and why your children do not need to keep secrets from you even if a child or adult asks them to.
      • It is extremely common for you to notice your child touching themselves for pleasure. While we do not want to shame our children for this (research shows this can be damaging later in life), it is OK to let them know that masturbation is private, and that they should only do it in their bedroom or in the bathroom.
      • Sex positivity aims to remove shame about sexuality and desire. Research has shown that giving kids more agency around their body can help them to have safer and more positive sexual encounters.

      What to Do:

      If they ask where babies come from:

      • “There are many different ways to have a baby. The most common one is sex, which happens when a man puts his penis into a woman’s vagina. The penis has something called sperm that finds an egg inside the woman and a baby is made.”
      • “There are also ways to help someone have a baby by putting sperm and an egg together in a doctor's office with a special machine, and then putting that fertilized egg - called an embryo - into a woman’s uterus to grow.”
      • “There is also something called adoption, where one person has a baby, and another person gets to raise that baby and take care of them.”

      If you’re introducing the concept:

      • Start with asking what they know. You can say “I’m wondering if you’ve heard the word sex before.”
      • Lean into the science again (and keep it simple to start). “There are lots of ways to have sex, but the most common is when a man puts his penis into a woman’s vagina. This is something that grownups do when they are in love, and to have a baby.”
      • Stop and let your child process this and ask any follow up questions.
      • If there isn’t anything else bubbling up, try “I know that lots of kids talk about sex or that you may hear about it in movies or on TV, and I want you to know we can always talk about it or any questions you have.”
      • Encourage your child to keep this conversation to themselves. No one wants their kid to teach the whole class about sex. Try saying “Sex is something that every parent wants to explain to their own kids. I wanted to talk to you about it, but we have to let every family have their own chance when they are ready.” Answer any questions they have about privacy or who they can talk to.

      Principles for these conversations:

      1.  Take a breath. If you are calm and regulated, the conversation will go better.
      2. Be brief. Keep things simple and don’t get into long or drawn out explanations.
      3. Try to have these conversations without intense eye contact and while distracted.
      4. If you’ve already talked about puberty, you can connect sex or babies to having romantic feelings and love.
      5. Don’t shy away from future discussion about sex.

      Finally, here are some of our favorites around sex and consent. You may want to look at them in the bookstore to see which ones feel right for your family (this is a personal decision!).