Knowing When It Is Time To Stop Caregiving

Adult children usually know when and why caregiving should start: Their aging parent needs help because of a sudden stroke or heart attack or gradual decline in thinking skills. But knowing when caregiving should stop is harder to figure out.

Should it be when the family caregiver is too busy or worn out to do more? Or when the parent needs more help than the child knows how to give? Or only when the parent dies? There is no one right answer.

Family caregivers decide what they are willing and able to do to help a parent and for how long. But even when they promise to care for a parent at home until the very end, events occur that may cause a change of plans, such as a job transfer, marital problems, or their own health issues.

At those times, adult children need to be good to themselves, trusting they've done the best they could under the circumstances, and try not to beat themselves up.

Here are some ways family caregivers can know when it is time to stop caregiving:

The parent isn't doing well:

A parent may love his home and swear he wouldn't be happy living anywhere else. But if that parent can no longer climb the stairs to the bedroom, has frequent falls, and regularly visits the Emergency Room, then he probably needs much more help or a different type of setting to remain safe and have a better quality of life.

It may be necessary for the adult child to consider talking with that parent about bringing professional help into the home or even moving to a facility with greater supervision.

Other family members aren't doing well:

Sometimes, adult children find themselves in the position of taking care of several family members—not one parent, but two, or a parent and a chronically ill spouse or child. They quickly learn they have limits they can't just push through. If they go to one family member's medical appointment, then they might miss another's that's at the same time. If they spend lots of time with a parent, then they may feel guilty they are ignoring their spouse (and vice versa).

Under those kinds of conditions, family caregivers realize they are spread too thin, not doing their best for anyone, and need to cut back somewhere

The family caregiver isn't doing well:

Many adult child caregivers have telltale physical symptoms—such as sleeping poorly, having frequent headaches, or feeling stomach distress—that show when they aren't coping well. Others have emotional signs, including waking up with a feeling of anxiety or constantly feeling irritable.

These are early warning signs the caregiver is under high stress and is at risk of developing physical or mental health problems. They should strongly think about making changes to the caregiving plan—or stopping caregiving.

Of course, no child wants to let their parent down. But no parent wants their child to suffer, especially due to tending to their needs.

Barry J. Jacobs, Psy.D. is a clinical psychologist, family therapist and a Principal for Health Management Associates. He is the author of two self-books on family caregiving and a monthly column on family caregiving for AARP.org