As all our kids go back to school, we’re focusing on something that’s top of mind for parents - safety. One important area where our children need support is around secrets.
While increasing privacy and more mature friendships can lead children to keep secrets, as parents, we want our children to feel comfortable and safe telling us anything.
What does the research say?
Research shows that the concept of secrets is incredibly powerful and can be dangerous. Studies show that children can be compelled to keep secrets, even when they know that there is something dangerous or wrong about the secret itself, or the person delivering it, and that being made to keep secrets can lead to increased anxiety, depression, guilt and shame in children and adolescence. Research also shows that children are less likely to share secrets when they fear punishment or repercussions from their parents.
How do secrets impact your relationship?
As part of a secure attachment, we want our children to know that they can come to us with anything, that we will support them and assist them no matter what mistakes they’ve made or poor judgment they’ve displayed. If our children are afraid of our response to trouble, or worried about our ability to handle their truth, they are more likely to keep secrets and deprive themselves of our help when they need it most. Secrets lead them to try and cover things up on their own, or handle bad situations alone. In addition, secrets between parents and children impact our ability to see and accept our children for who they are. If we don’t truly see them, we cannot truly accept them, a critical component of their long term self-esteem and self-worth.
What do I do?
Managing secrets means following a few evidence-based suggestions:
- From an early age (toddlers), start talking about what secrets are and assure your children that they can always tell a secret to you, even if someone else asked them to keep it. Make sure to be explicit that no adult should ever ask a child (of any age) to keep a secret for them, and that it is never OK for your children to keep a secret that makes them feel unsafe.
- Relabel “secrets” as “surprises” in your home. This means saying, “Let’s keep this present a surprise” instead of regularly modeling keeping secrets from others.
- Emphasize privacy over secrets. As your child ages, think about ways for them to protect their privacy without keeping secrets. Maybe this means providing a diary, or honoring (and not asking about) private conversations with friends, but reminding them of your availability when they need help. Try something like, “We can still have things that are “private,” but we don’t need to worry about keeping secrets from each other.”
- Make sure you’re easy to talk to. The easier it is for your child to confide in you, the more often they will. Try saying, “I can just listen if you want to talk about anything” and give your child space to vent without jumping in with advice or reaction.
- Don’t punish your child for telling the truth or confiding a secret. Whether or not they’ve behaved the way you wanted them to, responding to information with anger will send your child the message that they should keep a secret the next time. Instead, praise them for telling you the truth when it was hard and work toward a solution together. Chances are, your child feels enough shame and guilt over whatever they’ve confided, and they have lots of ideas on how to find resolution. Work together to figure out the plan.