Ever heard your baby crying while showering, even though they're not home? That’s phantom crying—a common phenomenon. 97% of parents report experiencing it, often during moments of rest or chores.
Have you ever been in the shower, just trying to take a moment for yourself when you SWEAR you hear your baby crying? You pop your head out of the shower, shampoo and water splashing all over the floor (note to self: clean that up later, so you don’t slip), check the monitor, and babyis perfectly asleep. Not a peep. But wait…you are positive you heard your baby cry.
This is phantom crying. The experience of hearing a baby cry when the baby isn’t crying. By the way, this can happen when your baby isn’t in the same zip code as you! You finally make it on your weekend away with your partner, you’re falling asleep after a delicious child-less dinner and…WHAT! Is your baby in the room? You swear you're 400 miles away, but you still hear your baby crying.
There is just about zero research on this, so we had to do our own. It’s not a perfect scientific-grade survey, but given how common an experience it is, we thought it was worth digging into.Within the Cooper community, about 97% of parents experience this. Based on the responses, it seems that phantom crying is most commonly heard when you’re trying to relax or fall asleep (go figure!), showering, doing dishes, laundry, or vacuuming, or watching TV.
Why does this happen?
Like we said, there’s not much research on the topic, but we have a few theories as to why we might be hearing these cries.
We know that when you become a parent, there are significant structural changes that occur in the brain. Caregivers (biological parents, plus partners and non-biological parents) all experience this change. When a baby is born, we are reprogrammed to be sure to reply to our baby’s crying as a way to make sure we keep them alive! Their cry is a signal that they are in need, and we are attuned to it on a biological level.
We also know that people hear phantom cries when they are doing tasks that sound similar to white noise (and/or make it harder to hear if your baby actually is crying), which is why it’s not surprising that most parents report hearing these noises while showering, doing dishes, or vacuuming. So, there’s a chance that these activities might actually be confusing your brain – tricking it – by activating similar neurons as the sound of your baby crying.
We also know that your brain is working overtime to make sure you catch EVERY cry, so it may accidentally lump in a few that aren't. It means well, but it may be oversensitive. Finally, it could just be a stress reaction, which can be totally normal. Taking care of a baby is hard. You need to constantly be alert and attend to your child’s needs, and this can make it hard to switch gears and actually relax.
So, what now?
Well, now that you know that you aren’t crazy, hopefully you feel a little bit more at ease. Phantom crying and the frequency at which you hear it should decrease as your child ages and has more ways to communicate their needs with you. If you’ve been in a Coop Group, you’ve heard us say this before - don’t forget to take care of yourself. A moment of mindfulness to stay present, a walk outside to clear your head, a warm bath to calm your nervous system, a quick sweat to get those endorphins going. Whatever is YOUR thing, make sure you make time for it. It is likely that if you are less stressed, you might hear less phantom crying.
Note: While hearing phantom crying is totally normal, pay attention to how often you’re hearing it and whether it may be connected to other symptoms of anxiety you are experiencing. Postpartum anxiety is a common and treatable condition, and there are lots of ways to get help. Check out Postpartum Support International, call their HelpLine 800-944-4773, or text “Help” to 800-944-4773.