Inner Voice
“Inviting our thoughts and feelings into awareness allows us to learn from them rather than be driven by them.” - Daniel Siegel
Key Concepts:
- Inner voice: our perception of ourselves and an attempt to see ourselves as others see us. The inner voice helps children regulate their thoughts and behaviors.
- Research shows that it’s hard to change our inner voice, but not impossible.
- Your inner voice is used throughout life to help manage emotions, behavior, and motivation. It is also associated with mental health.
- Your child has been learning (and is continuing to learn) how to speak to themself based on how you and other adults speak to them. Putting a label on children (positive or negative) can impact their inner voice. Negative labels have potential to worsen behavior and positive labels can feel forced or be interpreted as pressure.
What to Try:
- Model your inner voice by narrating how you talk to yourself. This is a challenge for many of us, because it requires us to be kinder to ourselves. Try, “That’s OK, you’re a little late to your meeting, but everyone will forgive you and it will be ok” or “You can do it. You’re only nervous and that doesn’t mean you won’t be great.”
- Talk about the complexity within all of us. If your child shares that someone was being mean at school, remind them that behind every behavior is an emotion that someone is feeling. Discuss how a “bully” might be feeling sadness, but acting mean to handle it.
- Practice a kindness meditation or other affirmation. Saying something as simple as “good morning, I love you” can improve mood and self-talk. Find an authentic statement for your family and remember that practice makes progress. The more your child says it, the more automatic it will become.
- Encourage your child to journal. Have them write down their fears about what people will think of them or how they might fail. Then, have your child go through each fear and explore it. What are the worst case scenarios? What are the ‘what if’s’? This is an exercise in showing your child that they can survive these scary moments.
- Teach forgiveness. You can do this by showing your child that you are capable of moving on, that you don’t hold grudges, and that repair is possible.
