How do I tell my kids that I live with depression and/or anxiety?
According to research, nearly 4 in 10 adults live with depression or anxiety symptoms on a regular basis. That’s a LOT of us. And as you may have figured out at this point in your parenting journey, children notice much more than we think.
When a child (at any age) doesn’t understand what their parent is experiencing, they can blame themselves, make up their own explanations, or feel afraid to ask questions or discuss taboo topics. That’s why science shows that talking to children about conditions like depression and anxiety is important and necessary.
Here are our favorite conversation starters for every age:
The toddlers
Toddlers are just beginning to understand emotions. Explanations for them need to be simple, relatable, and designed to help them avoid feeling that your responses are about them. (try the book “I’m Sick,” by Taylor Nicole)
● Lean into science. “My brain works differently than yours. Sometimes, even when I know that everything is fine, I get nervous or sad.”
● Use a weather analogy. “When someone has depression, it feels like a heavy rain cloud is following them. Even when they know it is sunny outdoors, it feels like it is raining for them, and that makes it hard for them to have fun.”
● Speak in plain words and give examples. “Do you remember how you got really sad when your friend didn't invite you to her party?” Well, mommy sometimes has that kind of sadness for a few days. That may mean I’m not as happy or fun, but it isn’t because I don’t love being with you and I promise that I know how to take care of myself.”
Elementary age.
At this age, children may need more details about what you’re managing, and may have more questions. When you talk about things openly, you signal that no topics are off limits.
● Give some details. “I know that sometimes I cry more, or I need more time alone. I want you to know that it has nothing to do with you or anyone else, and is about my depression. Depression is something I live with everyday, but it’s also something that I know how to take care of and something I can manage. If you ever have any questions about it, you can always ask me. There is nothing you could say that would hurt my feelings.”
● Describe what they may see. “My anxiety means that sometimes I get really nervous about something. I may even overreact and ask a lot of questions or worry about something that seems small. That is because my brain has trouble reminding me that everything is OK.”
Teens.
For the older kids, 'talking while doing' may help them to feel more comfortable. For example, try starting a conversation while driving, taking a walk, or bouncing a ball around.
● Expand what they know or may have seen. “I think you know that I have depression, and I want to make sure we check in on what you might have worried about or seen about depression from your friends, school or online. I want you to know that my having depression is in no way your fault, and you can always ask me about it - even if I seem sad.”
● Talk about your treatment plan. “I want to make sure you know that I have a great group of people who help me take care of my worries and depression. I even take medicine that helps me, and our family also helps me when I need it.”
● Empower them to share feelings. “I would love to hear about how you notice my anxiety. If you’re not ready to tell me, that is fine, but I want you to know that I know that it impacts you, and I am open to figuring out better ways to make sure you’re doing OK.”
