The loss of a pet is often a child's first encounter with grief. While it’s normal to want to protect your child from the pain of loss, it’s important to have open conversations that help set the stage for their future ability to process grief.
Losing a pet is hard at any age, but it can be especially difficult for children when it is their first experience with death. How death is talked about is deeply influenced by culture. Many American parents sugarcoat challenging topics and shield their children from death. If that feels like your experience, then that can have a lot to do with OUR discomfort as parents around death, or how we were raised. Although it can feel uncomfortable to talk about it, death is a part of life, and when you discuss it openly and honestly with your child, research shows that children will be better equipped to handle grief as adults.
While it is important to tailor your approach to your specific circumstances and your child's temperament, here are a few tips to help manage a child’sgrief.
Be Honest and Avoid Euphemisms: Using euphemisms like "lost", "passed away", or “fell asleep” may seem gentler, but it can lead to confusion, fears around going to sleep, and misunderstanding. To explain what “death” means, use clear, simple terms.
Reassure Them of Their Safety: After a loss, children are often concerned about their own and your safety. Take the time to assure them that they are well, that you are well, and that you know and are working to always keep them safe.
Include Kids in Memorials: Allowing children to participate in memorials, funerals, or other ways of honoring the deceased pet helps them remember and celebrate the life of their beloved companion. Maybe it’s a letter posted in the fridge, or a framed photo of them with the pet by their bed. Explain that talking about the pet we miss helps us to enjoy their memory and brings us feelings of happiness, even while it may also remind us of our pain.
Share Your Own Feelings of Grief: It's healthy for children to witness your own grief. Communicate your emotions in a way that feels safe and age-appropriate. Ensure your child knows that you are capable of taking care of yourself and them, regardless of your feelings.
Maintain Routines: Consistent routines provide children with a sense of safety and security during times of loss. While it's tempting to create special events to cheer them up, remember that routines help them feel safe.
And if there is no reaction, don’t panic. It’s normal for younger kids to act as if nothing happened or appear to be unaffected by loss. Depending on their age and stage, being uniquely focused on themselves is normal - and not a sign that they are heartless! Continue to talk about the loss openly, but avoid pressuring your child to participate (or react) if they aren’t coming to it on their own.