Helping Older Family Members Cope With Isolation

One of the negative consequences for families of the pandemic is the enforced isolation and separation of individuals who are most vulnerable to contracting and dying from covid-19.

From skilled nursing facilities to retirement communities to senior living residences, all visitors, including close family members, are now banned from entry to prevent infection. Even seniors still in their own homes may see little of their loved ones in person because those relatives and friends fear spreading the virus by merely being together in the same room.

While these measures make sense from a public health perspective, they are hard on older adults, some of whom resent them. They may not be comfortable using video chat platforms and think phone calls are poor substitutes for warm hugs. They may feel abandoned and lonely, especially the longer that sheltering in place goes on.

Their adult children, meanwhile, may feel guilty about not seeing their parents. But they likely realize they'd blame themselves and feel even guiltier if they did visit and their parents became sick.

There are possible strategies for safely increasing contact and communication:

Meet outdoors at a safe distance:

The warming spring weather presents an opportunity to meet your loved one on their front lawn or in their backyard and still maintain at least a 6-foot, well-ventilated distance. It will seem awkward to stand so far apart. But any face-to-face contact may be more acceptable than video.

Organize phone or texting campaigns:

Ask your siblings, cousins or other relatives and friends to regularly call or text greetings or share family and neighborhood news to your parent. These can be short messages or even pictures. What's important is that they are frequent enough so the older adult no longer feels forgotten.

Write a letter:

In this age of high-speed technology, few people put pen to paper to send a letter, except perhaps a birthday card. It may surprise and delight your loved one to receive personal mail from you, especially if you express loving sentiments, reminisce about family gatherings, or include pictures and ask questions about family history.

There are also means to help seniors better accept the current social limitations:

Place sacrifice in context:

Your loved one may have firsthand knowledge—or second-hand knowledge from their parent or grandparent—about past adverse experiences, such as wars or the Depression, when Americans were called upon as a matter of national allegiance to make sacrifices. You can bring up those memories and frame dealing with the pandemic in the same patriotic terms.

Empathize with their loss:

Separation from loved ones is often painful. Make sure your loved one knows you understand and care deeply about their emotions. Heartfelt commiseration may be the best balm for loss of close contact.

Barry J. Jacobs, Psy.D. is a clinical psychologist, family therapist and a Principal for Health Management Associates. He is the author of two self-books on family caregiving and a monthly column on family caregiving for AARP.org