Constructive criticism is tough for everyone - especially kids. Five tips for helping kids get good at accepting it.
How do you feel when someone gives you feedback? Are you open and receptive? Defensive and insulted?
If you are the latter, you’re in good company. No one loves getting feedback - even business leaders are rethinking how they talk about it with their employees.
While we can’t blame our parents for everything, one thing we know for sure is that receiving constructive criticism (the good kind) is something we all need practice with. Starting from a young age, parents can support their children in learning how to listen to, and learn from, the feedback of others.
Here’s what we’ve learned about how to help children handle constructive criticism, and how to take action after receiving it.
Make it positive:
How kids receive feedback has a lot to do with how it is given. The mind naturally responds better to a positive framework, and is generally more open to comments when it perceives them as helpful.
When you deliver constructive criticism to your children, try to recognize their strengths whileyou help them expand their skills. There is a big difference in being told that you “need to work on something,” vs hearing, “I have some ideas to help you get even stronger.” Or, “I appreciate how imaginative you are in picking your outfits in the morning, can we find a way to make those decisions more quickly?”
Model non-defensiveness:
Kids are happy to offer plentiful criticism to their parents. Generally - even when our kids are right (Why do we fight with grandma about the same old issues? Why don’t we ask for directions when we are lost?), we respond to this by telling them how much it hurts our feelings, doubling- down on our decisions, or offering a punishment. Instead, we can try to model being open to our children’s feedback when it is offered (even if it is offered rudely). Maybe it’s something like, “I thought about what you said, I think you may have a point,” Or, “Thanks for the feedback, I will think about it.” By modeling how you respond, you’re helping your child to see alternatives for how they can respond, too.
Support self-expression.
When our children feel that what they say matters, they gain confidence in their ability to articulate their ideas. If we can consistently support them in expressing their opinions - with honesty and sensitivity - we can help them to be good feedback givers, and by extension good feedback receivers.
Focus on behavior, not character:
When offering constructive feedback it’s important to focus on behaviors to change, not to attack who your child is. For example, saying “It’s hard for others to understand you when you speak like that,” is more productive then, “You’re so immature.” Also: Hearing words like “always” or “never” will reduce their desire to make changes.
Create an atmosphere of trust.
If your children trust that they are loved by you exactly the way they are (for exactly who they are), they will be more receptive to admitting their mistakes and accepting criticism. Knowing that they can mess up and receive your love and attention, makes it safer and easier for them to have a growth mindset - the idea that we can grow from practice and mistakes.