Thanksgiving is traditionally a time for gratitude, but for many, it brings a mix of stress, anxiety, and guilt.
Scenario #1 The Picky Eater
There are LOTS of reasons why picky eating happens, but holidays can be especially stressful for the parents of picky eaters. Turkey? Nope. Mashed potatoes? Nope. Elmo-shaped mac and cheese? Yup. Stares and gasps from your mother? Definitely. If your child is in a picky eating phase (it won’t last forever), stressful holidays are NOT the time to try and make huge changes. Instead of setting unrealistic expectations for your child to suddenly decide to eat green beans, accept the situation for what it is. Allow your child to make the choices that work for them. Maybe that means nothing but dinner rolls at grandma’s house, or buttered pasta you make in advance. Whatever it is, keep it simple and take down the stakes. Prepare your response to others, for example, “We are going through a phase where we only like bread or pasta. Good thing we have a long life ahead of us to try new things.” If you say it first and own the facts, the judgment won’t sting nearly as much, and the comments from the peanut gallery may be silenced.
And…here are a few of our favorite comebacks for unnecessary food comments:
INSTEAD OF: “They are fat.” or “She’s so skinny! She needs to eat more.” TRY: “Bodies come in all shapes and sizes. One isn’t better than another.”
INSTEAD OF: “Don’t eat that, it’s bad for you.” TRY: “Maybe we can make a healthier choice that may make our body feel better right now.”
INSTEAD OF: “She’s not healthy.” TRY: “Everyone makes different choices for their body. You can’t tell how healthy someone is by looking at their outsides. Health has to do with many things, including how their body works inside and how they feel and behave.”
Scenario #2 The Fussy Sleeper
Sleeping in a new place during a tough transitional period for your baby or child can make things stressful and rough. Baby who cries themself to sleep a bit? Toddler who needs you to sit in their room while they fall asleep? Big kid who gets anxious at bedtime and has big feelings? We’ve all been there. First, try picking familiar sleep items from home. That may include a sound machine, a few loved stuffed animals, favorite pajamas, pacifiers, sleep sacks, or books. Try and recreate the setting at home as much as possible. For example, consider bringing a pack-and-play for those still in a crib, or renting a crib locally if it’s easier - or use a bed against a wall for a child who is new to sleeping on their own, or a larger bed with them in the middle. For older kids, bring along their “wind down tools” like audiobooks, star projectors, or journals. Then, think through your priorities and the family events you have planned. How much you keep bedtime the same or vary it really depends on YOU. If you feel more comfortable with a strict bedtime (and if your child is under 3), you may want to prioritize it. Bow out of activities that interfere with bedtime hours, and simply state your limit clearly. You can say something like, “Bedtime is really important to both of us, so I prefer to do it at the same time as we do at home. I don’t mind missing the party, so please go ahead without me.” On the other hand, if you want to allow later nights and wilder transitions (we are really talking about those 4 and up here), go for it. Having strong routines means you can be flexible when you want to, and return to baseline when travel is over.
Scenario #3 The Judgy Relatives
We’re not going to pretend that your relatives are NOT going to judge your parenting.
They are and they will. But that has NOTHING to do with you. Research tells us that acting out with mean or insensitive comments has a lot to do with the person dishing, and very little to do with the recipient. Try having a mantra in your head like, “I won’t let you get to me,” that you repeat over and over to help get through the hard moments. And, just like we said with picky eating, try claiming the moment first. For example you could try, “I know we do things differently than you did, but we are happy with our choices and we appreciate your support.” This will disarm those who are ready with a comment or a look, and may help you reclaim your voice in a hard time. In addition, find moments to take a break and tap out whenever you can. We all need a moment to collect ourselves, scream in the shower, or talk to ourselves in the mirror.
Scenario #4 The Gluttony
The overeating. The black Friday shopping. The family fighting. The excess is
everywhere. Why does it matter? Well, moments of excess - especially to the point where we are out of control - don’t exactly model strong self-regulation skills. If we can’t control ourselves in front of our children, how do we expect to teach them to do this? Try checking in with yourself, taking a pause when you need one, and keeping your eye on your child to gauge their reaction. And if you do overindulge one way or another, forgive yourself and move on. No guilt trips for eating too much, losing your temper, or shoving another grown adult out of the way to get to the latest iPhone. Instead, just say, “Whew, I got a little carried away there. I feel better now” and move on. Or, model that type of forgiveness for someone else. For example, “Mom, we know you feel full but it is totally OK to feel full after Thanksgiving dinner and you’ll feel better in a little while. It’s a special occasion and it’s fine to overdo it once in a while.” Our children benefit from understanding our behavior, but not from hearing self-deprecating or highly critical statements. Use your own self-control to edit your comments or those of others in front of your kids.
Scenario #5 The Screen Time
Not all screen time is created equal. Holiday travel, conflicting family obligations, odd
schedules, and full houses are all perfectly reasonable times to need screens to help entertain and babysit your children. And that is OK. Remind yourself that you can reset when you get home, can reinstate boundaries when normal schedules return, and can always, always, recover. Keep an eye on content above time - for example, making sure that parental controls are set on devices, that older cousins or siblings are not watching inappropriate content with younger ones, and that kids are somewhat supervised in their media consumption (common areas, doors open, volume on).