In our desire to hold the reins ever so tightly, to help soothe every surface, and to protect our children from hard moments, is there a chance we are just a tiny bit suffocating?
Whether it's physical space (stop wiping my boogers), emotional space (“It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to”), or responsibility (let me do it!), your child’s tantrums may be a sign you need to lengthen the leash.
Autonomy
Tantrums can happen when our children feel frustrated that their desires or preferences are ignored or overridden by adults.
- Offering choices and opportunities for children to make decisions within age-appropriate boundaries can help them feel empowered and respected.
- Transferring responsibilities is another important piece. Try letting your children do for themselves what they can do, helping them to gain the skills to do what they can almost do, and modeling for them what they cannot yet do.
Physical Space
It’s hard for many of us to remember that our children are growing each day, and need to feel empowered in their changing bodies.
- Respecting physical space is important to model at home. Try to avoid wiping faces or boogers, brushing hair, or even pinching tushies without your child’s consent.
- Teach and talk about personal space, and your child’s right to have some! Though you won’t always be able to honor it (for example, you won’t allow them to refuse diaper changes for a whole day), sensitive responses like, “I know you don’t like it, and I will try and go fast because I can understand how it feels” can help.
- Emotional Space
Giving our children space to feel without jumping in to fix, can help them to feel validated and understood (important to your relationship and their sense of belonging).
- Try validating your child’s emotion with a statement like, “I can tell you’re having a hard time, and I understand.” Pause and let them have their moment to truly feel whatever is going on.
- Remind your child you are there - when they need you. For younger children, you might say, “It’s hard to feel… [ frustrated, angry, etc]...but I’m here with you and it won’t last forever.” For older children, try asking, “Do you need me to listen, or are you looking for help?” Then proceed accordingly.