Dealing With Criticism From Others

No one likes to be told their best efforts aren't good enough. But that's what often happens to caregivers.

Family members and friends feel free to give unsolicited advice for improving the ways the caregiver is providing care. Even if those suggestions might be helpful, being told to change their caregiving can make caregivers feel criticized and hurt. This is especially true if the person making recommendations has never been a caregiver or isn't providing much hands-on help now. Then the caregiver may respond with anger or avoid that family member or friend in the future. That strains relationships at a time when caregivers usually need more, not less, support.

Consider these tips for dealing with others' criticism as constructively as possible:

• Try to keep their intentions in mind. They do want to be helpful, not hurtful. Sometimes they recognize caregiving is hard and are trying to somehow make it a little easier but don't know the right words to say to you. Remembering that can take the sting out of their well-meant advice.
• Don't directly reject their ideas and hurt their feelings. There's no reason to stir up unnecessary conflict. Instead, listen graciously, knowing full well that you know better than they do about how to be the best caregiver for your loved one.
• Thank them for caring enough about your situation to offer their recommendations. But then suggest ways to them they can really be helpful to you—for example, picking up groceries or driving your loved one to an appointment. They may or may not follow your suggestions but they will definitely get the message you need concrete help with specific tasks rather than words of advice.
• Use humor. Tell them that, despite great efforts to change yourself, you have always been too stubborn to take anyone else's direction, much to your detriment at times. Explain that you now must be a caregiver in your own way, even if it means muddling along making lots of mistakes. Thank them for their patience, companionship and continued caring as you figure out how to manage caregiving on your own.
• Humor them by following their advice. It's worth may be doubtful to you but you will never know if you immediately react to it as criticism. Tell your family members or friends later whether their suggestions worked or not. The more you can engage them in conversation about the challenges of your caregiving, the more likely they will better understand what your real needs are and how they can best support you in the future.

Barry J. Jacobs, Psy.D. is a clinical psychologist, family therapist and a Principal for Health Management Associates. He is the author of two self-books on family caregiving and a monthly column on family caregiving for AARP.org