Dealing With A Difficult Past

Our relationships with loved ones are not always happy ones.

We may have never been close to them or were mistreated by them when we were younger. Then, later in their lives, we are expected by them and other family members to step up and provide care when they need assistance. Many caregivers in this situation resent what feels to them like an unjust responsibility. They believe they were victimized long ago and are being re-victimized again now. Others decline to be caregivers at all, risking others' anger by their refusal to participate.

There is no one right answer here but there are potential ways for better dealing with a difficult past during caregiving:

• Don't forget about what has happened but try to keep it in perspective. The past is important and is also a part of our lives that is behind us. It doesn't have to forever define who we are or our relationships. All of us grow and change over time. Approach today for its own possibilities.
• If you are choosing to be a caregiver for someone who you feel may not deserve it, then be clear in your mind about why. Family obligation alone usually isn't enough to sustain caregiving efforts. Sometimes caregivers hope that caregiving will help create a new and better relationship between an aging parent and an adult child. Sometimes they have moral or spiritual values to care for others who are suffering, including a loved one who may have caused suffering in the past. Sometimes caregivers want to set an example for their own children. Whatever the reason, having an important personal justification for caregiving will make it more bearable and even gratifying.
• No caregiver with a difficult past should feel trapped by having to provide for a loved one's every need. Feel free to set limits on what you are and aren't willing to do. For example, you may decide to provide basic support, such as driving and making appointments, but not more intimate, hands-on care, such as grooming and toileting. Maintaining control over the extent of your caregiving commitment can help decrease feelings of being re-victimized.
• Rather than focusing on the past, look to the future. Imagine it is 5 years from now and you are reflecting on your time as a caregiver. Will you be satisfied, on balance, that you made the choice to be a caregiver? Will you feel like you learned some new skills and grew in the process? Would you make the same choice again if given the chance? If the answer is “yes” to all three, then it is worthwhile to be a caregiver, even with a difficult past.

Barry J. Jacobs, Psy.D. is a clinical psychologist, family therapist and a Principal for Health Management Associates. He is the author of two self-books on family caregiving and a monthly column on family caregiving for AARP.org