Crushes are a normal part of childhood development, offering opportunities to teach kids about boundaries, consent, and relationships. Here's how to support your child through this new experience.
Key Concepts
- Crushes are VERY common. 50% of children as young as 3rd-to 5th grade report having crushes.
- Though crushes have strong emotional weight, research agrees that early crushes are not sexual in nature, and don’t represent mature feelings. Instead, research suggests that crushes are another form of friendship, offering many of the qualities that children look for in intimate relationships with peers.
- Crushes are an often overlooked developmental milestone that can signify a child’s interest in exploring their connections with others in a new way.
- Research shows that parents can use crushes as an opportunity to promote lessons on boundaries, consent, and perspective taking.
First, what to do if your child tells you they have a crush….
#1 Play it cool. If you want your child to continue to talk to you, you need to make yourself easy to talk to.
- Listen before you react. Take a very important beat.
- Avoid making childish or demeaning comments, like “aw, that’s so cute.” Don’t tease with statements like, “are you getting married?”
- Be neutral, be an observer, and know your place
#2 Respond with care.
- “That’s exciting! What do you like about them?”
- “Oh, that’s good. How do you feel when you’re with them?” “Thanks for sharing that with me.”
- “I get that you have special feelings for them, what’s that like?”
#3 Take it seriously. Validate your child’s feelings and accept them for the very real feelings that they are.
- Assure your child that these feelings are normal Let your child know if you experienced crushes
- Remind your child that feelings are temporary (even the good ones) and that they won’t feel like this forever
- Make space for your child’s feelings to fluctuate and don’t make assumptions
#4 Respect your child’s privacy. This may mean they want you to keep what they share between you, and it may mean they don’t share much.
- Give your child space to share as they are ready
- Don’t make fun of your child’s crush or talk about it with other family members or friends
- Don’t embarrass your child by talking to their crush or their crushes parents
#5 Let it breathe. Since most crushes end quickly, try not to become over involved in the day-to-day drama and be an observer.
- Avoid asking too many questions.
- Let crushes fizzle naturally, and don’t push them to seek others
#6 Discuss consent and personal space.
- Make sure your child honors the boundaries of others
- Be explicit about appropriate ways for your child to express their feelings, for example, “I know you have strong feelings, but you have to find a way to express them that feels safe and comfortable for the other person.”
- Be on the lookout for behaviors that cross the line. This may be a simple as unwanted hugs in kindergarten, or something like writing poems or staring in class.
What if you haven’t heard about crushes? Don’t panic. It is OK and it isn’t worrisome.
- Ask broadly about crushes occurring in their class, or among their friends. Ask them what they think of those crushes, and whether they have had any similar feelings.
- Remain neutral, and assure your child that it is both normal to have crushes, AND not to have any.
- Talk to your child about crushes in general, and about how relationships work and develop. Use yourself as an example, talking about your experiences with crushes, dating, close friendships, and eventually romantic relationships.
- Give them space to grow and change. Keep checking in on dynamics with others at school, but keep it low key.
What if your child is being crushed on?
This is a hard position for parents, who often feel uncomfortable with the attention on their child… especially when it is not reciprocal.
- Ask your child how they feel about their pursuer and their reaction. Make room for your child to have no feelings or negative feelings about their pursuer.
- If things are bothering your child, help them to set boundaries. Work on phrases like, “I don’t like it when you , please stop,” or, “That is too much for me and it doesn’t feel good.” Make sure they know that they can seek out others for help, too.
- Explain how normal crushes are, and what their pursuer is experiencing. Let them know that it doesn’t always make sense, but that crushes are hard for others to control.
- Work on ways to reject someone's advances with kindness, and not to tease or taunt others. It’s important for our children to take the perspective of others, even as they work to express their own feelings.