Research tells us that kids who have talked to their parents about safety issues (consent included) are less susceptible to, and more likely to report, abuse.
Why are we so afraid to talk about safety? Likely because the thought of our children in danger terrifies us, because we think that we can preserve their innocence if we avoid scary subjects, and because we don't have the words.
It starts with consent.
From an early age, we want to make sure our children understand that they are in charge of their own bodies. Although young children need to be helped (and touched) all the time, we want to let them know that they can tell us if a touch doesn’t feel ok, and model consent by asking before we give them a hug or tickle. While it may seem ridiculous for you to ask your child before hugging them, think about how this makes sense with an aunt or cousin, or with a teacher at school.
Maybe they are embarrassed when you tell a story about them, or talk about something they deem “private” with others? All of these are opportunities for us to think about and honor our child’s ability to offer consent. Try something like, “what’s a way you can say hi to everyone if you don’t feel like hugging them?” instead of forcing a touch that doesn’t come naturally, or telling kids that they will “hurt grandma’s feelings.”
We can ask permission before we share a story, even when it is guaranteed to get a laugh. When it comes to keeping kids safe, we don’t want them to be people pleasers, we want them to follow their instincts and pay attention to what their body and mind are telling them.
How to talk about secrets.
Research shows that children can be compelled to keep secrets, even when they know that there is something dangerous or wrong about the secret itself, or the person delivering it. Having conversations with parents around secrets is an important place to start. Start with different types of secrets - fun, dangerous, or to avoid getting into trouble.
Try rebranding the fun secrets as “surprises,” and tell your children explicitly that other secrets are not allowed in your home. Reassure your child that you will always help them if they make a mistake or a poor choice, and that you do not want them to be afraid to tell you the truth.
Finally, explain to your child that they do not need to keep any secrets that a friend, family member or stranger asks them to keep. Tell them that they can tell you, and any other trusted adult, any secret that is told to them, no matter what. Explain that a trusted adult is someone who feels helpful and safe, and importantly for camp, talk to your children about safe and available adults, like the camp nurse, camp director, or head counselor. Remind them that if one adult is not helpful, they can try talking to another instead of giving up.
Other things to note.
Sleepaway camp means lots of changing in front of other naked kids. While there is thinking to suggest that this helps to normalize bodies and curiosities for young children, it also brings about other challenges. Some children may not be prepared for showing or seeing others’ bodies, and therefore may need a discussion around puberty. Others may need more guidance around how and what to expect around nakedness and exposure, and on private parts.
For young children, explain to your child that no one besides them, their doctor or you are allowed to touch their “bathing suit parts”(everything covered by their bathing suit). Tell them that it is NEVER OK for any other adult to touch those parts, or for them to touch those parts on any adult. You may also want to be explicit that it is up to your child to decide if and how they like to be touched. Remind them that they should tell a trusted adult if anyone is touching them in a way that they do not like, or that feels uncomfortable.