Build trust with your tween or teen through respectful, honest communication. Encourage connection, active listening, and understanding during this pivotal time.
“Be sincere, be brief, be seated.” ~ Franklin D. Roosevelt
Key Concepts:
● Communication at this moment in your child’s development can be rough. Despite telling you to get away from them and that you know nothing, they still crave comfort and connection, look to you as a role model, and need to know they are unconditionally loved, seen and belong.
● Research tells us that the closeness of a parent-child relationship has a profound impact on their mental health, feelings of acceptance, self worth, academic performance, and safety.
● The adorable, talented, loving, kind, interesting, curious, and caring kid you once had is STILL IN THERE. Adolescence is the time when they may be well hidden behind the strains of puberty, a still-in-progress prefrontal cortex, their desperate desire to separate themselves from you, and their emerging identities.
● Your tween/teen is working on individuation, the psychological process through which they establish their personal identity. Individuation is necessary for a child to fully grow into adulthood with purpose and conviction, and maintain a healthy sense of self and healthy relationships. Individuals who have issues in this process are often at higher risk for depression or anxiety.
● 3 Principles of communication are to establish trust and respect, create a safe environment, and practice active listening.
What to do:
● Show Respect. Treat tweens and teens with respect, and they are more likely to reciprocate. Listen to their opinions and validate their feelings.
● Be Honest. Honesty fosters trust. Be truthful in your interactions, even when discussing difficult topics.
● Say YES. Try answering requests with a YES instead of a no. YES, when you’re done with homework you can watch TV, or YES, you can have a sleepover as long as your room is cleaned up.
● Pick Your Battles. Everything can’t be a NO or a battle. Choose the ones that matter most and let some of the rest go. Your control over their world is diminishing, and having too many rules or being too rigid can increase tension and conflict in the relationship.
● Stay Calm. Your adolescent cannot borrow your nervous system if you are not calm. Take a breath, pause, and regain your composure BEFORE you start talking.
● Don’t Judge. This means no faces, no labels, no insults. Take in all of the information as a blank slate and then pause before responding.
● Keep it light (and maybe funny). Try having conversations without eye contact, like in the car or walking down the street. A little bit of casual conversation is MUCH easier than an intense sit down. Use humor, keep things lighthearted, and try and make the atmosphere support discussion rather than pressure.
● Show Interest. Care about what your kids care about, and join them in their interests. Don’t diminish the passion they express or the intensity of their feelings.
● Practice Reflective Listening. Repeat back what they’ve said to ensure understanding and show that you’re listening. For example, “So, you’re feeling frustrated because…”
● Ask Open-Ended Questions. Encourage deeper conversations by asking open-ended questions that require more than a yes or no answer. For example, “What do you think should happen?”
● Be Patient. Give them time to articulate their thoughts and feelings. Avoid rushing or pressuring them to respond quickly.
● Set Boundaries and Expectations with Clear Rules. Establish clear rules and expectations for behavior and communication. Make sure they understand the reasons behind the rules.