Coaching, Not Pressuring, Your Loved One

Caregivers are busy people. It's often a headlong dash for them to get through their many tasks by the end of the day.

Along the way, they may impatiently hurry their loved ones along. They may even be prone to ordering them to finish eating or get in the car rather than engaging them in discussions about what they'd like to do. That may make for more time-efficient caregiving but upset those care receivers who don't like feeling pushed.

When care receivers are treated more like sources of chores to be managed than cherished family members, they may become depressed. They also may become annoyed and resist caregivers' orders. When caregivers find themselves in unexpected power struggles with loved ones, they, too, may become angry and depressed. Acting like your loved one's boss isn't usually as effective for completing tasks as serving as a kind of coach.

Consider these tips for fostering cooperation and inspiration:

• A good coach knows the strengths, weaknesses and personalities of her players and uses that information to bring out their best performances. She knows who to encourage gently and with whom to be firm. Likewise, a caregiver can modify her caregiving approach to account for the preferences and capabilities of the person she's caring for. She knows when to be gentle, when to be firm and when to give her loved one extra time. No care receiver should be forced to adapt to the demands of a task; as much as possible, the task should be adapted to the make-up of the care receiver.
• A good coach understands that most of us respond better to compliments than criticism. She looks for positive moments to point out what her players are doing right and cheer them on. Likewise, a caregiver should lead with praise to foster a closer, more cooperative relationship with the care receiver. Reward his smile with a smile. Give him a pat on the back for getting up in the morning early enough for the two of you to arrive at a doctor's office on time. Even when things don't go well and your loved one forgets information or makes mistakes in the checkbook, express your appreciation for how hard he is trying to care for himself and thereby help you.
• A good coach is a well-organized and patient teacher. She has a game plan that she shares with her players and asks for their input and buy-in. Likewise, a good caregiver lays out the plan for the day, or even the next hour, for a loved one to obtain his agreement and cooperation. Together, they can make a winning team. Victory lies not in defeating illness and disability necessarily but in helping each other to live as well as possible.

Barry J. Jacobs, Psy.D. is a clinical psychologist, family therapist and a Principal for Health Management Associates. He is the author of two self-books on family caregiving and a monthly column on family caregiving for AARP.org