Instead of saying "You're OK," try naming feelings, validating emotions, and offering support. Help kids build resilience and confidence through tough moments.
Picture it. Your baby is crying. They’re hungry, tired, or have a dirty diaper. They need something from you and they’re asking for it through their cries. As intended, the cry gets you to pay attention, to come over and feed them, put them down, or change that diaper. It worked! But on the way to solving their VERY REAL need or want, you likely told them they were OK.
“You’re OK” is one of the MOST common phrases we say to our children from birth through adulthood - but does it send the right message? If your baby was hungry, then they weren’t OK…they were hungry. Why not just acknowledge that? If your toddler falls on the playground and is scared, they’re not OK…they’re scared. Why not name it? And if your elementary school child lost their championship game, they’re not OK…they’re disappointed. Wouldn’t you be, too?
Our desire to tell our babies and kids that they are OK, is often more about us than them. We are looking to reassure our own nervous systems that things are alright, that we can survive this moment, that there is no true emergency. We are hoping to soothe or calm ourselves, BUT IN THE PROCESS we are negating our children's very real, and very acceptable feelings. Instead of naming their feelings and showing them that feelings are safe, normal, and survivable, we are telling them that what they feel is wrong, that there is nothing there to be upset about, and that everything is fine. This teaches them that hard feelings are dangerous, that they are meant to be fine all of the time, and that they can’t survive difficult moments. Instead, we can help our children to go through hard moments, to learn for themselves that they can do it, and to discover that feelings are temporary. Even the good ones come and go.
Next time you catch yourself saying “You’re OK,” try this instead:
- Name the feeling. “You’re mad because you’re hungry and it’s taking a minute,” or “I know you’re scared, that noise was loud.” This helps your child feel heard and understood.
- Offer your support. “I’m right here with you,” or “I’ve got you now.” This helps your child to know that you are there to comfort and support them through the hard moment.
- Validate. “I get mad when I’m tired, too”, or “it’s frustrating when you lose a game.” This helps your child know that this feeling is normal, not dangerous or scary.
- Remind. “You know how to do hard things,” or “You are getting so good at handling hard moments.” It’s never too early for your child to know you believe in them.
- Reflect. “You look like you feel better now. You are getting so good at calming down.” This helps your child know what they can do more of in the future, and how they can learn to help soothe themselves as they grow.
We’re not saying it’s easy, but growth is always possible. Drop us a line and let us know how it works!