Key Concepts:
- The term “bully” is often misused by parents in the course of normal child development.Being a bully isn’t the same thing as being mean, or even cruel to another child.
- Bullying involves power, repetition and harm.
- Often bullying is a sign of struggle and a cry for help. There are a host of reasons thatchildren may start to act aggressively towards others.
- Parenting a child who is being bullied is extraordinarily painful. Parents experiencefear, grief, helplessness, frustration and vulnerabilities. Like with all friendship strife, thisexperience can also bring up old wounds from our childhood and trigger painfulmemories or experiences.
- While bullying is ALWAYS about the bully and not the target, research shows that somechildren are more vulnerable to bullying.
What do you say and do if your child is the bully, is being bullied or witnesses bullying?
If your child is the bully:
Accept it: It can be very hard to acknowledge the actions of your child - especially when they arehurtful or cruel. Instead of waiting for your child to outgrow this behavior, or dismissing it,accepting and addressing it is the healthiest way for your family to move forward. There arelots of resources to get help if you need it.
Start with what you know and have heard from school, teachers, other parentsor your own experience.
Give your child a chance to try and explain what they think is going on, and discuss theirbehavior openly. If they are resistant, let them know that you will be doing more work tounderstand what is going on and working with them to figure out why.
Focus on new strategies.
If your child is able to identify why they are engaging in bullying behaviors, help them tounderstand alternative strategies they can use. This may mean getting professional help tomanage impulse control or anger issues, or working on social skills to help supportperspective taking and friendships.
Take an inventory of what your child is seeing, hearing and experiencing at home.
From social media and TV, to the fights between siblings or parents, our children areconstantly being exposed to language and behaviors that may be misinterpreted by theirdeveloping brains. Maybe they have an older brother who constantly teases them, or watcha violent TV show where physical contact is normalized. This is not about blame, but insteadabout having insight into how we can help support positive messages and behavior in newways.
Take responsibility.
Managing your child’s behavior - online, at school, and at home - takes time and effort.Open regular lines of communication with the school, and stay on top of regular progress.
Think about appropriate consequences for bullying behaviors.
This may mean a loss of privileges, access or freedoms while you are ensuring that theirbehavior improves. It may also mean mandatory participation in counseling or therapy to help to address your child’s underlying challenges.
Make amends.
It is important to also talk to your child about those they have hurt, and take steps to make it right. Talk about the experience the targeted child has had, and help your child to focuson empathy and understanding (over guilt and shame). Generate ideas on how to begin to repair the situation together.
Refocus on quality time.
When parent-child connections are strong, children are less likely to engage in bullyingbehaviors. Focus on making your child feel seen, heard and accepted for who they are, and stay connected to your children's inner and outer lives - their friends, their moods, and their needs.
If your child is being bullied:
Believe them.
Your child needs to know that you can accept whatever they have to say, and not rush to judgment.
Explain that bullying is about the bully, not about them.
It is important that we help our children understand that nothing they can do or control made this happen. Reassure them that bullying is NOT their fault, and that it is a reflectionof the bully and not the target.
Listen.
Listen in a way that shows you want to learn, not to lecture. The easier you make it for your child to talk to you, the more they will share, and the easier it will be for you to stay connected.
Dig deeper.
Gathering information on what is happening and when is a hard task. Get the completestory before you rush into action or decide on what the facts are. Instead, talk through theexperiences together, and reflect on what you are hearing.
Remain calm.
As much as you may be activated by hearing of your child’s experience (of course!,remember that showing your child that you can handle this information is a critical part tokeeping open lines of communication. If they worry that you fly off the handle, they will beless likely to share with you in the future.
Assure them of your partnership.
Even if you don’t have all the answers, make sure to tell your child that you will work by theirside to help sort this out. Let them know that you are not going anywhere, and that theydon’t need to shoulder this burden alone.
Show compassion for the bully.
This may feel impossible to do, but jumping to retaliation and revenge is not going to teachyour child anything but more aggression. Instead, let your child know that you are veryconcerned with what the bully is experiencing as well, and that they need help.
Speak up.
When you have all of the information from your child, help to empower them to speak withteachers, parents and administrators. Make sure your voices are heard, and advocate foryour child and family.
Plan.
Role-play alternate ways to handle situations where bullying occurs. Talk about safe peopleand places, or discuss having a buddy system. Think about the ways they can reach you, oranother trusted adult they can go to if they need it.
Express confidence.
A child who is being bullied can feel hopeless. Talk about all the skills they do have, thepower they do have, the change they can make. Regaining their voice and confidence is animportant step in helping them to work through the bullying behavior.
Help them find joy.
Helping your child to find places where they can thrive can be an important balance tobullying. Dig into the activities that bring joy, or help them to explore new interests.
Stay in touch.
Bullying isn’t solved overnight, so constant communication with your child, teachers, other adults and friends will help you keep tabs on how things are progressing. Don’t ignore orsweep issues under the rug when they persist. Stay vigilant and continue to communicatewith your child in a way that feels open and without pressure.
How to talk to your child about witnessing bullying:
Share what you’ve heard or know, and create an open space for conversation.
If you’re unsure of what your child knows or has witnessed, you can start with somethinglike, “I’m wondering if there is anyone in your class who gets picked on or teased a lot.”
Work on perspective taking.
When talking about bullying, help your child to see the perspective of both someone beingbullied, and doing the bullying. Help them to understand both sides of the dynamic and touse the example to openly discuss how humans behave, and how we can work and existtogether.
Promote empathy.
Building compassion is a process over time. Talk about how and why the experiences ofothers matters in your home, and how your child can get active about the needs of theircommunity.
Encourage being an upstander, instead of a bystander.
57% of incidents stopped within 10 seconds of another child getting involved. Your child cango get help, yell “stop” or interrupt the behavior in another way.
Always focus on condemning the behavior, not the child.
Remind your child that this behavior is about the bully, not the target, and that the bullyneeds help, not hatred.