It’s normal for a parent to worry about splitting their love and attention between their child and a new baby. That is a natural feeling for all of us.
When we can’t anticipate exactly how something will go – how our older child will react, how we will respond, how we will find enough hours in the day – we become anxious.
There are ways to cope, though. Ways to help you and your first born child feel secure in your relationship with each other, and to feel secure in the changes that will come with a new baby.
The thing our oldest child needs the most is for the grown ups in their life to stay the same. Their life is about to change, and they will rely on what doesn’t.
“Often it is the parents who change their behavior. All of a sudden the rules are different, the routines are gone, and they’re parenting from a place of guilt—like they did something wrong,”
“Stay the course and try not to change the rules of your house, make new allowances for things you didn’t before, or change your behavior drastically,” Benjamin said. “Having a sibling is a decision for your family – not something you did to your child.”
Read that part again.
“Having a sibling is a decision for your family – not something you did to your child.”
Here are four expert tips to help you and your oldest with second-baby anxiety:
1. Connect your older child to the experience.
Talk with your older child about what it was like when they were born. Look at photos together, talk about what happened and ask them to participate in what will happen with their new sibling. Connection around how meaningful their birth was can help your older child feel connected to this new experience.
Be intentional about setting aside special alone time with your oldest. Even just reading together for 10 minutes in the afternoon or having breakfast together can be special. Make sure this one-on-one time is just for the two of you, and at a time where you can talk in a relaxed setting where your child feels comfortable.
3. Create a child care plan.
If your growing family will be using child care, try to start with this new part of your routine well before the baby comes! Six to eight weeks before the baby comes home is recommended. Big transitions can be harder to manage when they are combined. Starting childcare ahead of your new baby’s arrival will allow your older child to get the hang of the new routine before becoming a big sibling.
4. Concrete plans for your hospital stay.
Be concrete about who will take care of your child while you are in the hospital and what things may be like when you are home. Remind them of what will stay the same and of any temporary changes: “You will still go to school every day, but (Mommy/Daddy/Grandma/Sitter) will be picking you up for a while since I can’t walk that far yet.”