After Caregiving Is Over

All caregivers know their caregiving years will eventually come to an end when their loved one dies. But few caregivers allow themselves to think about that day.

They are very focused on meeting the present challenges. They also don't want to dwell on what may be a sad and painful loss. But planning for life after caregiving is important in many ways. It can help you cherish the time you have with your loved one now and prepare for what can be a difficult transition.

Caregivers who allow themselves to plan for life after caregiving tend to handle bereavement better. Those who don't are more prone to shock, overwhelming grief and even increased family conflict.

There are several key steps in planning:

• If at all possible, make sure that your loved one has a written will that indicates who will inherit his possessions and assets upon his death. It is also ideal to have a clear understanding of how he would like his funeral conducted (for instance, traditional burial or cremation, music at the funeral or not, etc.) Knowing these wishes often reduces disagreements among grieving family members at a highly emotional time.
• Have the courage to say what you need to say or ask the questions you have always wanted to ask prior to your loved one's death. Most older adults welcome such conversations. They will spare you regrets later.
• Expect that you will have a mixture of negative and positive feelings upon your loved one's death. You are likely to feel sad but there may also be a part of you that feels relieved that you don't have to handle onerous caregiving duties any more. Those feelings of relief are normal. There is no need to feel guilty that their presence means you didn't really care for your loved one.
• Don't plan on jumping back into the rest of your life as soon as caregiving ends. Expect that you will have months of mourning and self-reflection on what you've lost but also gained during the caregiving process. You may have learned new skills—for example, how to handle finances or insurance forms or a commode transfer—than you did before you ever became a caregiver. In truth, most of us are changed by the caregiving experience—hopefully for the better. It is best to step back and re-assess yourself before choosing where to direct the focus of your energies next.

Barry J. Jacobs, Psy.D. is a clinical psychologist, family therapist and a Principal for Health Management Associates. He is the author of two self-books on family caregiving and a monthly column on family caregiving for AARP.org