We ALL lose it. It’s part of being human. And parenting is no exception. After you lose your s&*%, what’s most important is that you find a way to reconnect with your child and model repair.
You’re finishing up an important work assignment, and in walks your child who promptly spills your coffee (accidentally), distracts you from what you’re doing, demands your help opening the cereal and finishing his homework and answering approximately 357 questions that aren’t relevant, and you…lose it. “NOT RIGHT NOW!!!!!!! GET. OUT.”
We get it. And we’ve been there.
While we strive to consistently be patient and responsive parents, we are also only human and we’re entitled to lose it sometimes too. In fact, you aren’t doing your child any favor by trying to convince them that you don’t lose your patience, get upset, or sometimes say things you regret.
Based on decades of attachment science research, we know that a secure attachment doesn’t mean your relationship is perfect - but instead that it has the underlying safety and security to be able to handle normal disruptions. Having genuine relationships is built over time and no one moment needs to be perfect. In fact, having a relationship with some struggle, disagreement, and challenge, is authentic and important as children grow. What we’re saying is there will be situations that you don’t handle the way you wish you had. Many of them. What really matters is what happens after you lose it, and how you reconnect with your child and model repair. Here are our top 5 ways to make it right, after you lose your s&*%.
Step 1: Cool off.
Before you try to repair or reflect on whatever just happened, you need to give yourself time to calm down. In a moment like this, you’re clearly dysregulated and you won’t be able to have a meaningful conversation when you’re heated. Identify what helps you calm down and try to make that happen as quickly as you can. A breath of fresh air? A splash of water on your face? A few mindful breaths?
Steps 2 and 3: Admit your mistake and talk about what you’ll do differently next time.
You’re not perfect. No one is. So once you’ve calmed down, it’s time to admit your wrongdoing(s). This is when you apologize. This might look like, “I’m sorry that I yelled at you. I was frustrated with work and I had a hard time balancing everything at that moment.” Then, you’re going to think about what you’ll do differently next time. “Next time I will try to find a calm way to say it.” The exact words aren’t important, but the sentiment - one of apology and connection - is what matters.
Step 4: Offer a hug or an opportunity to reconnect.
This step is about reconnecting in your relationship and moving on. Of course, it’s going to look different for each kid (yep, your oldest might need and want something totally different than your youngest). For some kids, this is a hug. For others, it might be a high five, an elbow tap, or perhaps a few minutes of playing with them or just sharing a laugh..
Step 5: Give yourself grace.
After you’ve moved through these steps, it’s time to forgive yourself and move on. Often we wallow in these feelings of disappointment or anxiety after a moment of tension, but that is not a productive use of your time. Take each moment in parenting as an opportunity to learn and then forgive yourself when things don’t go according to plan.